It’s Christmas night, and the house is quiet. It’s a perfect time to reflect and write.
Though grief has struck me on and off for the last several weeks, today I am feeling at peace.
For one, Beauty and the Beast just got done playing on ABC. And whenever I hear its memorable music I begin to smile. If you knew my husband Steve and my history you could appreciate this more. Let’s just say I was able to see through his tough guy exterior at the start.
Speaking of Steve, we took a road trip together recently. All those hours in the truck allowed us to really talk about our life and what we are envisioning for our future. I began sharing how I had been seeing other families with their children a couple of days before. I really needed a good cry, so I crawled up into a ball in front of the toddler bed and began asking God why He keeps taking so long.
“Then I immediately felt badly for thinking such things, because I know lowering my vibration will only cause further delays and because I was feeling guilty that there are so many others who are worse off and really do have something to cry about.
“I went outside to start shoveling snow and the phrase ‘Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about’ came to mind.
As a a child this saying was meant as a threat, yet as I moved that shovel it took on new meaning,” I said.
I then explained that I had originally gotten upset because I was jealous others had something I did not. I then started crying because what I desire is not yet showing up. Then I felt guilty because there are people in this world who have had children and then suffered loss.
As I reflected on this more my maker helped me realize this kind of thinking is a trap. Being envious about someone who has something I do not, or feeling contrite because someone may be much worse off is preventing me from being in the NOW.
“I feel so much better,” I told my husband. “Because even though this time of year has a tendency to pull us back or project us into ‘what ifs,’ I now understand this is a decoy that prevents us from being fully present.
And so tonight I cry tears of happiness. Thank you God-Source for the gift.