We got a ‘close-match’ call yesterday. A girl and a boy. Not quite the ages we had hoped, but tangible proof we are getting closer anyway.
My soul recognized it as sign post right away, so I took a moment to thank God-Source for moving us one step closer and then sent a text message to my husband to let him know.
And then the meeting happened . . .
Seeing her again was more difficult than I expected. Especially when she told me her foster kids have been asking about me the last few days. Though at first I smiled warmly because this was my proof they knew me too and recognized my soul, it also made me hurt all the more.
At first I tried to brush it off. Feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t help, but then she began talking about ‘permanency’ and though I should have been happy for her, in that moment I could feel myself deflating. I guess I had thought meeting them might mean a chance at mothering them again. But knowing it may not be God’s plan this time around caused my heart to sink.
Almost 17 painful years of infertility . . . so much sadness and heartbreak. So many tears I have shed. Why did I open this door again?
Last night before going to bed I yanked at the handle literally. I needed to close that bedroom for awhile, shut out the empty room in hopes I could close off the wave of emotions that kept barreling inside of me: sadness, guilt, anger, and lots of confusion.
This morning I woke up and felt a little better but was still not fully myself. Since I have learned a lot about the Law of Attraction through the years and know it cannot work in my favor if I don’t do my part, I began my meditation with some E.F.T./tapping.
It felt really good to loosen all of the debris and bring in gratitude again — something I’ve been trying to add into my daily routine so I can keep my frequency raised.
And so as I end this entry, I shall end on a ‘high note.’
THANK YOU GOD-SOURCE for orchestrating everything the way you have. Thank you for allowing me to see their little souls again so I can remember what true love feels like and looks like in physical form.
Because even if they are not ‘the ones’ this time around, you have rekindled within me the magical formula of love that allows me to keep asking for my soul’s desire, and for this I am most appreciative.