Two Halves Stay Broken, Not Whole

A week or so ago, “Ronnie” (the person assigned to us for our home study and foster licensing) reached out to my husband and me to let us know a sibling group had come available for adoption.

After asking many questions and reviewing the file, Steve and I graciously declined.

While explaining our reasons to Ronnie, I said, “For lack of a better analogy, I feel like we are on one of those reality shows where we are being asked to marry someone without ever meeting first, and as much as Steve and I have dreamed of having children, this just doesn’t feel good at this point.”

Ronnie’s response was a bit of a surprise. She explained she was relieved to hear this. She then shared that many foster families go into adoption “desperate for a child” and she is glad to know we are willing to foster first in order to take things slow to be sure it’s a good fit.

Having been licensed as a foster parent ten years ago and now again, Steve and I know all too well how easy it is to want a child so badly that you say yes without even knowing if it is a match.

Many well intentioned people are willing to take any child no matter what, or go into adoption with the hope of feeling good because they are ‘fixing/saving’ a kiddo. Others go into it trying to fill a void for reasons of loss or infertility, while some others have a religion that has taught them that having a bigger family means greater after-life reward.

Steve and I are very grateful to be past this now.

Looking back ten years ago, we were willing to adopt for very unhealthy and selfish reasons: in hopes it would help us feel more “whole and complete.”

Back then Steve and I didn’t realize we were broken. Boy, did we have a lot of growing up to do! We needed this time to discover who we really are.

And though there are still days I wonder what ever happened to little Cynthia, I am very grateful we were not chosen as her forever family.


Because this notion of needing someone else in order to fulfill you is a a false illusion that will just leave you feeling lost and unfulfilled.

When you go into any relationship—including fostering or adoption—with the idea that someone else will make you whole or complete your family, it is a sign that you need to do more inner work.

For as Patricia Fry once said, “Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship. It takes two WHOLES,” and I might add, two wholes who are compatible and bring out each other’s soul potential.

Thank you so much God for helping me see this importance of individual wholeness and authenticity. No matter what happens from this point forward, I am grateful to know that apart or together, Steve and I are already complete.


Something To Cry About

It’s Christmas night, and the house is quiet. It’s a perfect time to reflect and write.

Though grief has struck me on and off for the last several weeks, today I am feeling at peace.

For one, Beauty and the Beast just got done playing on ABC. And whenever I hear its memorable music I begin to smile. If you knew my husband Steve and my history you could appreciate this more. Let’s just say I was able to see through his tough guy exterior at the start.

Speaking of Steve, we took a road trip together recently. All those hours in the truck allowed us to really talk about our life and what we are envisioning for our future. I began sharing how I had been seeing other families with their children a couple of days before. I really needed a good cry, so I crawled up into a ball in front of the toddler bed and began asking God why He keeps taking so long.

“Then I immediately felt badly for thinking such things, because I know lowering my vibration will only cause further delays and because I was feeling guilty that there are so many others who are worse off and really do have something to cry about.

“I went outside to start shoveling snow and the phrase ‘Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about’ came to mind.

As a a child this saying was meant as a threat, yet as I moved that shovel it took on new meaning,” I said.

I then explained that I had originally gotten upset because I was jealous others had something I did not. I then started crying because what I desire is not yet showing up. Then I felt guilty because there are people in this world who have had children and then suffered loss.

As I reflected on this more my maker helped me realize this kind of thinking is a trap. Being envious about someone who has something I do not, or feeling contrite because someone may be much worse off is preventing me from being in the NOW.

“I feel so much better,” I told my husband. “Because even though this time of year has a tendency to pull us back or project us into ‘what ifs,’ I now understand this is a decoy that prevents us from being fully present.

And so tonight I cry tears of happiness. Thank you God-Source for the gift.


Just Below the Surface

“I’m okay,” I said when a friend inquired how I am doing, because overall I am fine. I am all right.

I am in that stage of one door closing and another one opening. Some might call this a hallway or an in between.

To me it feels like a void  — a total space of nothingness where everything is both possible and impossible. I have been here many times before.

Each time I arrive I show up differently: some times hopeful; sometimes mad; sometimes fearful,  disappointed, or sad. I have had 17 years of practicing this.

For the last five years, including this one, I have been in a cycle of what feels like a toggle between relinquishing and surrendering. Most days I maintain a total commitment of allowing my life to be what it is.

Some days I feel let down by the belief that this is all there is. And other days I rejoice in being a DINK with the freedom of “dual income / no kids”.

This year though I find myself more expectant than ever before. It is as if I am a child again, too innocent to be acting entitled and still young enough to be full of hope, with a total knowingness that the gift I have wished for is due to arrive very soon.

A recent meditation helped me understand this more. I was listening to a guided visualization that I had created for some of my virtual students. It begins with breath work and then progresses into deeper relaxation.

When I asked to receive a symbol or sign from my spiritual team, I saw a cluster of cicadas. (note: I knew they were not grasshoppers or locusts. They were clearly cicadas on my path.)

As I came up from trance, I was anxious to look up their animal totem meaning. It contained such magic and wisdom that for a moment I just stared in awe at my computer screen.

It is said cicadas choose a divine time to be born. Certain types known as “periodic cicadas” remain underground for over a decade. Some remain submerged for 17 years.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this number staring back at me.

Not only will it be 17 years of no children for my husband and me next month, it will also be 2017.


8 is my life path number

There are three types of cicadas that live as a nymph amongst the roots of the trees for 17 years. Their resurrection is perfectly, divinely timed.

After breaking out of their casing and digging their way up through the ground by way of a tree trunk, the cicada discards its old skin, preps its new wings for flight, and then finds a fertile partner so they can mate.

Thank you so much God-Source for sending me this vision of the 17 year cicadas. This totem has helped me understand why this time I feel more certain in the void.

I now know to patiently trust the rhythm of mother nature so it can act like a key and open my next door.


Second Chances

I am feeling very loved today. May this joy ripple outward to the world.

Thank you for the outpouring of love and support regarding this new blog. So many of you have sent private messages or commented on Facebook, and it means so very much. Please also start sharing your thoughts below as well.

So, it’s been almost ten years since little Cynthia (not her real name) came into our life. You might remember my sharing stories about her before. From strawberry shortcake hugs, to magical fairies, to playing make believe. Knowing for weeks she was to be our daughter only to have it overturned by the courts left a big hole in our hearts.

To fill the void, my husband Steve and I took in three foreign exchange students. This is something we had started doing when we lived on the farm in the midwest. This lasted a span of five years and allowed me to advance in my career.

Earlier this year though I needed a change, and so I followed my intuition once again. I stepped down from being one of the Best Psychic Mediums (a title given to me for 3+ years) and began limiting my client time to group courses and V.I.P.’s.

And then it happened. I missed my menses two months in a row. I was so elated and overjoyed. I was hopeful this was our miracle.

But God-Source surprised me once again. “It’s perimenopause,” my doctor said. The grief I felt brought me to my knees. I must have cried for three days straight. My husband was dealing with this news in his own way. When we finally spoke of it, he admitted he was in pain.

“Let’s go to our place off the grid,” he encouraged. I felt too depressed to travel, but he insisted. And so we drove through the mountains and across snowy roads to arrive at our bungalow where we remained for a week.

Still feeling blue, I began paging through a People magazine and came upon a featured article on writer and actress Nia Vardalos, star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. And the more I read, the more emotional I became.

Her story was of struggle with years of infertility — from invitros to surrogates to miscarriages, loss and devastation. She was then encouraged to consider fostering with the intention to adopt.

“Yea right. Good luck with that,” I said aloud and closed the magazine with a sigh.

But then God-Source’s voice penetrated my heart. “Keep reading.”

The words were a warm invitation, and so I gathered the courage to continue, and by the time I finished reading I was weeping, because Nia now has a daughter to call her own.

As I sat sobbing behind the pages of the magazine, Steve wondered what was causing me to meltdown in this way. And so I told him all about the story and how it MUST be a sign from above.

“We need to consider this again,” I said. The words were coming out of my mouth so fast it was as if someone else had taken over my body to speak. “If we don’t do this now, we never will. Do you really want to give up our last chance? Because this is it. This is our final soul-felt tap.”

Steve was moved yet naturally resistant. We debated for at least an hour as he threw out all of the old reasons it wouldn’t’ work. Yet nothing he said made any sense anymore. We are not the same two people we once were. — We have two homes, we have good jobs, we are healthy and in love.

“Let me think about it,” he said. That was good enough for me and gave me reason enough to start smiling again.

Here we are almost one year later and we are licensed in our home state. This took our having to fill out the packet of paperwork again, take more classes, and open our living space and personal lives so the home study could become complete.

Having to relive our pain of infertility has not been easy. It as taken a lot of courage and teamwork to retrace our steps again, yet we remain hopeful our next leg of the soul journey goes well.

Thank you God-Source for leading the way, because just like those foster children who all deserve a second chance, you are giving us our do-over again.


Vortex of Light

I have been sitting with my emotions more and more. Doing so has allowed me to recognize that the strong feelings I had for those little souls went way beyond my current reality.

Call it what you will: de ja vu, parallel universe, past life. Either way, my soul felt connected to them in a way no words can possibly describe.

It’s like when you meet someone for the “first time” and just know you are kindred spirits connected beyond the limitation of space and time.

I cannot logically explain it, yet my seeing them again unlocked my soul and gave it permission to move.

Another dimension opened up for me. It happened during a recent walking meditation. A portal began pulling at me much like the suction of a vacuum. Once inside the space, I could tell from my feelings that all I was experiencing was genuine and true.

The landscape was not of this era, giving me the impression of a different place and time. And, I somehow just knew those two children were mine but not in this lifetime, rather in a completely different space-time reality. Each memory belonged to my soul.

Having this experience was a gift. It has allowed me to move on and to heal. And my heart no longer aches the way it did, because I know they are in good hands in their new home. They are loved, they are fed, they are safe.

Thank you kiddos for crossing paths with me again. I am now at peace with whatever outcome is meant to be.

Thank you God-Source



Sign Posts

We got a ‘close-match’ call yesterday. A girl and a boy. Not quite the ages we had hoped, but tangible proof we are getting closer anyway.

My soul recognized it as sign post right away, so I took a moment to thank God-Source for moving us one step closer and then sent a text message to my husband to let him know.

And then the meeting happened . . .

Seeing her again was more difficult than I expected. Especially when she told me her foster kids have been asking about me the last few days. Though at first I smiled warmly because this was my proof they knew me too and recognized my soul,  it also made me hurt all the more.

At first I tried to brush it off. Feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t help, but then she began talking about ‘permanency’ and though I should have been happy for her, in that moment I could feel myself deflating. I guess I had thought meeting them might mean a chance at mothering them again. But knowing it may not be God’s plan this time around caused my heart to sink.

Almost 17 painful years of infertility . . . so much sadness and heartbreak. So many tears I have shed. Why did I open this door again?

Last night before going to bed I yanked at the handle literally. I needed to close that bedroom for awhile, shut out the empty room in hopes I could close off the wave of emotions that kept barreling inside of me: sadness, guilt, anger, and lots of confusion.

This morning I woke up and felt a little better but was still not fully myself. Since I have learned a lot about the Law of Attraction through the years and know it cannot work in my favor if I don’t do my part, I began my  meditation with some E.F.T./tapping.

It felt really good to loosen all of the debris and bring in gratitude again — something I’ve been trying to add into my daily routine so I can keep my frequency raised.

And so as I end this entry, I shall end on a ‘high note.’

THANK YOU GOD-SOURCE for orchestrating everything the way you have. Thank you for allowing me to see their little souls again so I can remember what true love feels like and looks like in physical form.

Because even if they are not ‘the ones’ this time around, you have rekindled within me the magical formula of love that allows me to keep asking for my soul’s desire, and for this I am most appreciative.