“Little souls find their way to you whether they’re from your womb or someone else’s.” ~ Sheryl Crow
In some cultures, there is a belief that children choose their parents so as to teach them whatever lessons they need to learn in this lifetime.
I am beginning to see the truth of this, because having Kiddo in my life these past four months has been some of the most magical and most difficult days of my life.
A huge KUDOS to all you parents reading this because I had no idea how time consuming or how challenging this would be. Juggling kids and career and spouse and pets plus making time for family, friends, and the upkeep of the house . . . Holy Moly. It’s a good thing I have been working out.
Also, things have been way more amazing than words can say such as being able to witness all the new ‘firsts’ and rapid growth spurts as Kiddo gets bigger before our eyes.
Yet as grateful as I am to God-Source for allowing me to parent this little miracle, I would be lying if I told you I have been patient and accepting this entire time.
Let me tell you there have been days where I couldn’t help but wonder “what the heck am I doing?” and “why did I ever say yes to this?”
Not only is this a child we are fostering with special needs which means we have very little history on record to refer to when we are asked questions like “did “them” have chickenpox or how was their delivery, but also I have no idea how long Kiddo will be with us, and this very idea has caused me to keep putting up protective walls as a crazy way of hoping it will keep me from getting hurt.
Yet the more I do this, the more Kiddo nestles deeper into my heart. Just a few weeks ago “them” started calling me mom.
The first time it happened I froze. I wasn’t able to accept this endearing term at all.
Well, at first I had myself convinced it was because I was afraid that God-Source might separate us again and I was keeping myself from being hurt.
But then I was reminded by the caseworker that “them” doesn’t remember meeting the birth mom and has no ties yet to anyone specifically. And that if I don’t allow a bond to form, the child may never attach to anyone.
Wow. This is a really big deal, so, why then have I been resisting it?
The truth is I have waited for this for a really long time, and now that I have it, I am having a really hard time allowing myself to be loved as a mom.
Though it’s beautiful and miraculous and honoring, it is also a huge responsibility.
Quite honestly I want to run and yet I want to stay. I love the role yet I also fear it. So there are days I want things to go back to the way they were but I know I would miss what I now have.
I have heard this is normal, yet I still feel afraid, and so I will do what I have taught so many others to do when they feel fear — I will keep moving through it one day at a time and continue to trust knowing I am doing the very best that I can.
Merriam Webster’s defines mother as “a female parent”
Parent is defined as “one that brings forth offspring (i.e.: parents to twins)”
“a person who brings up and cares for another (i.e.: foster parent)”
Happy Mother’s day to all of you moms reading this.
Though admittedly I have been having difficulty allowing myself to be called MOM, I know it’s because I have had a belief that only the woman who gave birth to our Kiddo was deserving of this.
And so I take it one day at a time, slowly giving myself time to process it while allowing the possibility that Kiddo has really chosen me to be her mom. As I take this all in, I smile from within and simultaneously need to take a breath just to accept the enormity of it.
(Note: For confidentiality reasons, “Kiddo” and “them” refers to the child in our foster care at the time of this post.)