“I’m okay,” I said when a friend inquired how I am doing, because overall I am fine. I am all right.

I am in that stage of one door closing and another one opening. Some might call this a hallway or an in between.

To me it feels like a void  — a total space of nothingness where everything is both possible and impossible. I have been here many times before.

Each time I arrive I show up differently: some times hopeful; sometimes mad; sometimes fearful,  disappointed, or sad. I have had 17 years of practicing this.

For the last five years, including this one, I have been in a cycle of what feels like a toggle between relinquishing and surrendering. Most days I maintain a total commitment of allowing my life to be what it is.

Some days I feel let down by the belief that this is all there is. And other days I rejoice in being a DINK with the freedom of “dual income / no kids”.

This year though I find myself more expectant than ever before. It is as if I am a child again, too innocent to be acting entitled and still young enough to be full of hope, with a total knowingness that the gift I have wished for is due to arrive very soon.

A recent meditation helped me understand this more. I was listening to a guided visualization that I had created for some of my virtual students. It begins with breath work and then progresses into deeper relaxation.

When I asked to receive a symbol or sign from my spiritual team, I saw a cluster of cicadas. (note: I knew they were not grasshoppers or locusts. They were clearly cicadas on my path.)

As I came up from trance, I was anxious to look up their animal totem meaning. It contained such magic and wisdom that for a moment I just stared in awe at my computer screen.

It is said cicadas choose a divine time to be born. Certain types known as “periodic cicadas” remain underground for over a decade. Some remain submerged for 17 years.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this number staring back at me.

Not only will it be 17 years of no children for my husband and me next month, it will also be 2017.


8 is my life path number

There are three types of cicadas that live as a nymph amongst the roots of the trees for 17 years. Their resurrection is perfectly, divinely timed.

After breaking out of their casing and digging their way up through the ground by way of a tree trunk, the cicada discards its old skin, preps its new wings for flight, and then finds a fertile partner so they can mate.

Thank you so much God-Source for sending me this vision of the 17 year cicadas. This totem has helped me understand why this time I feel more certain in the void.

I now know to patiently trust the rhythm of mother nature so it can act like a key and open my next door.


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