Mother Lode

“Little souls find their way to you whether they’re from your womb or someone else’s.” ~ Sheryl Crow

In some cultures, there is a belief that children choose their parents so as to teach them whatever lessons they need to learn in this lifetime.

I am beginning to see the truth of this, because having Kiddo in my life these past four months has been some of the most magical and most difficult days of my life.

A huge KUDOS to all you parents reading this because I had no idea how time consuming or how challenging this would be. Juggling kids and career and spouse and pets plus making time for family, friends, and the upkeep of the house . . . Holy Moly. It’s a good thing I have been working out.

Seriously.

Also, things have been way more amazing than words can say such as being able to witness all the new ‘firsts’ and rapid growth spurts as Kiddo gets bigger before our eyes.

Yet as grateful as I am to God-Source for allowing me to parent this little miracle, I would be lying if I told you I have been patient and accepting this entire time.

Let me tell you there have been days where I couldn’t help but wonder “what the heck am I doing?” and “why did I ever say yes to this?”

Not only is this a child we are fostering with special needs which means we have very little history on record to refer to when we are asked questions like “did “them” have chickenpox or how was their delivery, but also I have no idea how long Kiddo will be with us, and this very idea has caused me to keep putting up protective walls as a crazy way of hoping it will keep me from getting hurt.

Yet the more I do this, the more Kiddo nestles deeper into my heart. Just a few weeks ago “them” started calling me mom.

The first time it happened I froze. I wasn’t able to accept this endearing term at all.

Why?

Well, at first I had myself convinced it was because I was afraid that God-Source might separate us again and I was keeping myself from being hurt.

But then I was reminded by the caseworker that “them” doesn’t remember meeting the birth mom and has no ties yet to anyone specifically. And that if I don’t allow a bond to form, the child may never attach to anyone.

Wow. This is a really big deal, so, why then have I been resisting it?

The truth is I have waited for this for a really long time, and now that I have it, I am having a really hard time allowing myself to be loved as a mom.

Though it’s beautiful and miraculous and honoring, it is also a huge responsibility.

Quite honestly I want to run and yet I want to stay. I love the role yet I also fear it. So there are days I want things to go back to the way they were but I know I would miss what I now have.

I have heard this is normal, yet I still feel afraid, and so I will do what I have taught so many others to do when they feel fear — I will keep moving through it one day at a time and continue to trust knowing I am doing the very best that I can.

Merriam Webster’s defines mother as “a female parent”

Parent is defined as “one that brings forth offspring (i.e.: parents to twins)”
OR
“a person who brings up and cares for another (i.e.: foster parent)”

Happy Mother’s day to all of you moms reading this.

Though admittedly I have been having difficulty allowing myself to be called MOM, I know it’s because I have had a belief that only the woman who gave birth to our Kiddo was deserving of this.

And so I take it one day at a time, slowly giving myself time to process it while allowing the possibility that Kiddo has really chosen me to be her mom. As I take this all in, I smile from within and simultaneously need to take a breath just to accept the enormity of it.


ete

Sink or Swim

“Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.”
~ Sophocles

For the past few weeks Kiddo has been part of a kid’s program that takes ‘them’ on lots of different adventures including a recent visit to the local pool.

Parents take turns volunteering during certain field trip events and for this particular one, I sat on the sidelines and stayed home.

Kiddo came home with a reminder note from the program that said:

Dear Parents, Please have your child arrive with their swimsuits underneath their clothes so they are ready to go.

A date and time then followed along with instructions for transportation.

I pinned the note to my refrigerator being sure to set out a swimsuit for Kiddo the night before the big day arrived.

Come the day of swimming, Kiddo was ready to go and just as instructed, ‘them’ was in their swimsuit with clothes on top.

A few hours later, Kiddo returned. “How was swimming?” I asked.

Kiddo shared it was fun.

“Where is your swimsuit?” I inquired.

Kiddo shrugged.

I pulled up ‘them’s’ clothes to have a look. No swimsuit.

Oh No! As I peered down Kiddo’s pants, it then hit me that I forgot to send undershorts along.

Quite, honestly, it never even occurred to me given I was so focused on remembering the day, the time, and the swimsuit.

What makes things even more strange is Kiddo WAS wearing undershorts but whose?

They were not any that I recognized.

“Who’s undershorts are these?” I kindly inquired.

Kiddo’s head fell down with guilt as ‘them’ then said, “Are you mad?”

I held back a laugh by biting down hard on my lip.

“Nope,” I grinned. “I’m not mad. Now please tell me who’s undershorts these are?”

Kiddo was reluctant at first, face a pout. With a little more coaxing and a hug, Kiddo finally blurted out, “They’re Sammy’s”

A cackle erupted from my mouth.

“Honey,” I said, doing my best to compose myself. “Does Sammy know you have these undershorts?”

I had to hold my stomach now I was laughing so hard.

Kiddo began backing away, probably unsure of how to react.

Composing myself, I asked again, “Honey, does Sammy know you took the undershorts.”

Kiddo shrugged, “I dunno’”

I began to imagine some poor child in the swimming room frantically looking for their undershorts because Kiddo felt the need to steal them off the floor.

Talk about sink or swim. And call me crazy, this caused me to laugh even more.

In all honesty, laughing is a coping mechanism on my part to release strong emotions.

I mean come on. I send my child to go swimming without a towel or dry undershorts.

“Okay, Kiddo,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief, “Thank you for telling me. Let’s take off these undershorts so I can clean them and you can return them to Sammy.”

As Kiddo pulled them down, the shorts were streaked with “bacon strips” and I have no idea if they were Kiddo’s or not.

Who was laughing now?!

ete

In Sickness and In Health (Conclusion)

In addition to dealing with the flu, Kiddo has some physical and emotional issues that have required my husband and me to get ‘them’ to different medical appointments at least two times per week.

So after seeing two physicians over the course of nine weeks, it was suggested we then see an orthopedic surgeon.

Lucky for us, the five hour drive was close to our second residence, so off-the-grid we went for a few days.

Making the drive over the mountain pass was rather rough. Not only was it below zero temps, we also got stuck in deep snow twice and did not arrive to the bungalow until early evening.

“I hafta go potty,” Kiddo said.

Though normally we would have proper accommodations for this, our porta potty was buried in two feet of snow.

“Okay,” I smiled, grabbing the next best thing. Then I quietly left the room.

Unbeknownst to me, Kiddo was pooping in the pail.

When I realized what had happened, all I could do was laugh.

My amusement disappeared though when I realized I had no running water to clean the mess.

My husband helped me melt lots of snow so we could rinse out the pail.

Then would you believe, it wasn’t long after Kiddo had to go again!?

UGH.

At least this time we were smart enough to put a liner in the pail.

The next day we all headed down the mountain and into the city so we could go to the orthopedic office.

“I hafta go to the bathroom,” Kiddo said.

No problem. Since I had a lot of paperwork to fill out, I thought it would be a good idea to let Kiddo go into the bathroom by ‘them’ self.

But after turning in all the forms, Kiddo still had not come out.

Another 2 minutes passed.
Then 5,
Then 10.

I quietly knocked on the door. “Kiddo, you okay?”

No response.

I jiggled the knob.

The door was locked.

Several people in the waiting room were now watching me.

“Kiddo,” I quietly begged, “open the door and let me in.”

No such luck.

A minute or so later a nurse began calling Kiddo’s name.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my face turning red. “Any tips on getting a kid to come out of the bathroom?”

The nurse just shrugged and then looked down at her clipboard to call out the next patient in line.

Trying the bathroom door again, I began knocking even harder. “Kiddo, open up. The doctor is ready to see you.”

A few seconds later the door flings open. Kiddo is standing there with pants around the ankles and then loudly yells, “I was Pooping, okay?!”

Everyone in the waiting room laughs.

When we get into the exam room I say to the doctor, “I apologize for keeping you waiting. I think Kiddo may be a little bit nervous about today.”

Kiddo quickly disputes with a shake of the head.
“Uh. Uh. Nope. I just had to go poop, that’s all!”

🙂

ete

“And Jesus said to them, “Yes; have ye never heard, Out of the mouths of babes and infants thou hast perfected praise?”
– Matthew 21:16

Any Way You Slice It – Part 1 of 2

It’s been over month since Kiddo arrived, and in the past few weeks, some family and friends have kindly mailed gifts to honor the occasion.

Kiddo was really looking forward to opening a package my parents had sent and excitedly opened the silverware drawer. “I help,” Kiddo squealed, grabbing the scissors and jumping up and down.

How sweet, I thought. ‘Them’ wants to help.

I reached out to take the scissors from Kiddo’s hands just as the blades opened and closed on my middle finger.

“Owwwww,” I cried out, pulling my hand back to cradle it from the pain.

“I sorry…. I sorry…I sorry,” Kiddo whimpered.

Blood began soaking through my fingers. “I know it was an accident,” I managed to say as I dashed into the living room and fell to my knees.

Rocking back and forth, I cupped my finger high in the air, taking several deep breaths for relief.

Moments later, I could feel Kiddo approach me from behind. I quickly pulled myself up off the floor then grabbed a Band-Aid from the hall closet.

After wrapping the bandage around my finger, “Okay,” I said as cheerfully as I could, “let’s see what’s inside of the package.”

Half-way through opening the first gift, my finger began spurting blood again.

Kiddo noticed it first. ‘Them’ began to squeal, “You okay? You okay?”

I looked down to see more blood dripping onto the gift packaging.

“I’m okay,” I winced, turning on the faucet with my good hand so I could soak my wound under the cold stream.

I stared at the red pool of blood forming at the bottom of the sink. Would I need stitches? I inspected my finger more carefully.

Nope. I’d be okay. I just needed to bandage two sides of my finger instead of one, since both ends had been caught between the blades.

Not wanting to delay Kiddo anymore, I yanked some paper toweling from off the roll, wrapped my finger in it tightly, then twisted a rubber band around it to keep things snug.

I have got this, I told myself.

And I nearly believed it too.
That is, until I realized dinner was burning on the stove.


ete

-Part II coming soon-

 

 

(Note: For confidentiality reasons, “Kiddo” and “them” refers to our foster child.)

Teachable Moments (part 2 of 2)

“We should pray to the angels, for they are given to us as guardians.”

– St. Ambrose

 

The cart was no where to be found, Jazmin was whining her little head off, and the f-bomb had just erupted from my mouth.

I steered quickly to the back of the parking lot, then let out the dogs to do their thing.

I needed to cool down and God must have known it, because no sooner than I stepped outdoors, the frigid temps shot my mind back in place.

“I’m sorry I said a bad word,” I said as soon as I returned to the driver’s seat. I then pulled my vehicle up so it was just outside of the entrance.

I began taking long deep breaths then asked Kiddo to join me in asking the angels for help.

“Dear angels, we need your help. Please help us find the wallet.”

Intuition guided me to use my cell phone and call the store to find out if anyone had turned in a wallet within the past hour.

“Yes, we have it,” the service rep said, “We’ve just been waiting for you.”

“Praise God!” I said as I hung up.

I bundled up Kiddo once again, this time nearly skipping into the store.

Once the back office received my proof of address, my wallet was safely returned.

“Do you happen to know who turned it in?” I asked.

Management didn’t really know. We then inquired with the service counter.

“The cart guy,” answered the service rep.

“Well, please tell him thank you,” I said, being sure management heard me as well.

As Kiddo and I proceeded to leave, we saw “cart guy” near the entrance of the store. Though his face was shielded behind cold weather gear, his eyes were warm and sincere.

“Thank you for returning my wallet,” I said, unzipping the main pocket and reaching for some cash. “I’d like to thank you for doing that.”

The man held up his hands and said no. He informed me that taking rewards is against store policy, and he insisted he was just doing his job.

“Well then please let me thank you with my words,” I said. “I am so very grateful to you.” My eyes began pooling with appreciative tears. “I just took in this Kiddo as a foster child recently and ever since my head hasn’t been on straight.”

The man blessed me and thanked me for doing such great work.

Hearing this was very unexpected, yet it felt really good.

He then shared that he had seen the cart way off to the side but something told him to go get it.

“It was so cold out, I ignored it at first,” he said, “but something kept telling me I better go and get it”

I smiled big and said, “That ‘something’ was your angels.”

The man’s kind eyes lit up. He knowingly nodded.

Thank you angels!
Thank You God!

Thank you angels!
Thank You God!

Kiddo and I sang these words in the form of a tune all the way back to the mall.

ete

Teachable Moments (part 1 of 2)

After one week as a foster mom, I was feeling rather proud of myself for being up early,  keeping my patience, and enjoying each moment with our new little one, and then this happened . . .

(Note: I will now refer to our foster child as “kiddo” or “them” depending on the context.)

 

“Kiddo” clung to me tight as we ran from the chain store out into the freezing -20 temps and back to the car where our two German Shepherds were patently waiting. Once “them” was buckled in tight, I pushed the cart off to the side and thought to myself that if it wasn’t so cold I would have gladly brought the cart to the return.

The mall was next, and though driving there wasn’t very far, the roads were so icy I was glad we had recently invested in an all-wheel drive.

After grabbing a new winter jacket and warm hat for “Kiddo”, I approached the department store rep.

“I have a couple of returns too,” I said, placing all the items on the counter.

“No problem,” the rep said, “I’ll just need your store card to get things started.”

I looked down at “Kiddo” and smiled then began rifling through the return store bag for my wallet, but it wasn’t there.

“Well,” I said, “this is embarrassing, but I think I left my wallet in the car.”

The rep understood, assuring me my items would be held there safely until I got back.

Laughing to myself, I bundled up “Kiddo” for the frigid walk back to the car.  As we approached the side door, the two dogs’s began thumping their tails.

I greeted the dogs, seated “Kiddo” comfortably with a snack to pass the time, and then began checking each of the chain store bags, confident my wallet was thrown in one of them.

No such luck.

Panic stricken, I frantically began checking under the seats.

Nothing.

“Kiddo,” I said, “I am feeling very sad, because I can’t find my wallet, and I don’t know what to do.”

The dogs wagged their tails even harder and “Kiddo” laughed.

Since I don’t carry a purse, I began rechecking every shopping bag.

Still nothing.

I went around to the passenger door and opened it. Maybe it was wedged between it and the seat.

Nope.

Heart racing, I grabbed “Kiddo” and rushed back into the department store. Did I leave it on the floor or on a table in the children’s department?

I searched and searched and came up short. The rep said he’d be on the look out and notify others in the store.

Growing frantic, I ran back out to the car. By then I was “cold” sweating and panting worse than my dogs.

After getting “Kiddo” buckled in, I started to think back on where I last remember seeing my wallet. I know I had it as we were leaving the chain store. I recall throwing it in the cart along with all of the shopping bags.

It must still be in the cart!

I began taking in deep breaths to keep myself as calm as possible as we pulled out of the mall parking lot. I steered back into traffic and toward the chain store.

Moments later my one-year old puppy, Jazmin, was whining and whimpering so loudly I could barely hear myself think. And from the foul smell in the air she had to go poop, and I mean bad!

“Jazmin,” I yelled, “please be patient and hush. I’m going as fast as I can.”

Jazz continued to whine and to whimper. My inner worrier grew louder in my head.

Ahhh! My wallet is gone! This proves my entire identification has officially been flipped on its head!

I turned on my blinker to take a left. That’s when BOTH dogs began crying so loudly I could barely hear myself think.

As we turned into the store parking lot, the front wheels hit a patch of ice and my lips launched out the f-bomb so loud and so fast that I surprised myself!

Fish tailing the car back into alignment, I began taking long, slow, deep breaths.

“Kiddo’s” jaw was still dropped when I peered into the rear view mirror.

Just keep acting natural, I told myself, not wanting to draw more attention to my potty mouth.

As I drove back to the spot I had previously parked, I desperately said a prayer, “Please let my wallet still be there.”

But, the shopping cart was gone!

ete

-Part II coming soon-

New Kid On The Block

A meme on Pinterest reads,
“Once upon a time I was a perfect parent.
Then I had children.
The end.”

Yes, our first placement arrived nearly a week ago.

For legality reasons I am unable to share any details (it’s part of protecting the child as a foster parent)

Be assured I am elated, exhausted, and overjoyed. 🙂

And that I can say this from my heart and my soul . . .

Dear Parents (my own included),
Please accept my apology.
I did not know how much time it takes to raise a child.
I didn’t understand that what normally takes 10 minutes now will take at least an hour

I did not understand how easily priorities shift throughout the day,
Or how “baby brain” can affect you so badly you can forget your own name unless you write it down.

I didn’t know that when you get sick, no one relieves you because parenthood must go on.

No, I did not know what I did not know.

So please accept my apologies. And please accept my gratitude too.

Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for your hugs.
Thank you for being a role model, an advisor, and an inspiration.
Thank you for always doing your very best at any given moment.
Thank you for your sacrifices.
Thank you for your teachings.
Thank you for all of your love.

ete

Just Below the Surface

“I’m okay,” I said when a friend inquired how I am doing, because overall I am fine. I am all right.

I am in that stage of one door closing and another one opening. Some might call this a hallway or an in between.

To me it feels like a void  — a total space of nothingness where everything is both possible and impossible. I have been here many times before.

Each time I arrive I show up differently: some times hopeful; sometimes mad; sometimes fearful,  disappointed, or sad. I have had 17 years of practicing this.

For the last five years, including this one, I have been in a cycle of what feels like a toggle between relinquishing and surrendering. Most days I maintain a total commitment of allowing my life to be what it is.

Some days I feel let down by the belief that this is all there is. And other days I rejoice in being a DINK with the freedom of “dual income / no kids”.

This year though I find myself more expectant than ever before. It is as if I am a child again, too innocent to be acting entitled and still young enough to be full of hope, with a total knowingness that the gift I have wished for is due to arrive very soon.

A recent meditation helped me understand this more. I was listening to a guided visualization that I had created for some of my virtual students. It begins with breath work and then progresses into deeper relaxation.

When I asked to receive a symbol or sign from my spiritual team, I saw a cluster of cicadas. (note: I knew they were not grasshoppers or locusts. They were clearly cicadas on my path.)

As I came up from trance, I was anxious to look up their animal totem meaning. It contained such magic and wisdom that for a moment I just stared in awe at my computer screen.

It is said cicadas choose a divine time to be born. Certain types known as “periodic cicadas” remain underground for over a decade. Some remain submerged for 17 years.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this number staring back at me.

Not only will it be 17 years of no children for my husband and me next month, it will also be 2017.

1+7=8.

8 is my life path number

There are three types of cicadas that live as a nymph amongst the roots of the trees for 17 years. Their resurrection is perfectly, divinely timed.

After breaking out of their casing and digging their way up through the ground by way of a tree trunk, the cicada discards its old skin, preps its new wings for flight, and then finds a fertile partner so they can mate.

Thank you so much God-Source for sending me this vision of the 17 year cicadas. This totem has helped me understand why this time I feel more certain in the void.

I now know to patiently trust the rhythm of mother nature so it can act like a key and open my next door.

ete

Second Chances

I am feeling very loved today. May this joy ripple outward to the world.

Thank you for the outpouring of love and support regarding this new blog. So many of you have sent private messages or commented on Facebook, and it means so very much. Please also start sharing your thoughts below as well.

So, it’s been almost ten years since little Cynthia (not her real name) came into our life. You might remember my sharing stories about her before. From strawberry shortcake hugs, to magical fairies, to playing make believe. Knowing for weeks she was to be our daughter only to have it overturned by the courts left a big hole in our hearts.

To fill the void, my husband Steve and I took in three foreign exchange students. This is something we had started doing when we lived on the farm in the midwest. This lasted a span of five years and allowed me to advance in my career.

Earlier this year though I needed a change, and so I followed my intuition once again. I stepped down from being one of the Best Psychic Mediums (a title given to me for 3+ years) and began limiting my client time to group courses and V.I.P.’s.

And then it happened. I missed my menses two months in a row. I was so elated and overjoyed. I was hopeful this was our miracle.

But God-Source surprised me once again. “It’s perimenopause,” my doctor said. The grief I felt brought me to my knees. I must have cried for three days straight. My husband was dealing with this news in his own way. When we finally spoke of it, he admitted he was in pain.

“Let’s go to our place off the grid,” he encouraged. I felt too depressed to travel, but he insisted. And so we drove through the mountains and across snowy roads to arrive at our bungalow where we remained for a week.

Still feeling blue, I began paging through a People magazine and came upon a featured article on writer and actress Nia Vardalos, star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. And the more I read, the more emotional I became.

Her story was of struggle with years of infertility — from invitros to surrogates to miscarriages, loss and devastation. She was then encouraged to consider fostering with the intention to adopt.

“Yea right. Good luck with that,” I said aloud and closed the magazine with a sigh.

But then God-Source’s voice penetrated my heart. “Keep reading.”

The words were a warm invitation, and so I gathered the courage to continue, and by the time I finished reading I was weeping, because Nia now has a daughter to call her own.

As I sat sobbing behind the pages of the magazine, Steve wondered what was causing me to meltdown in this way. And so I told him all about the story and how it MUST be a sign from above.

“We need to consider this again,” I said. The words were coming out of my mouth so fast it was as if someone else had taken over my body to speak. “If we don’t do this now, we never will. Do you really want to give up our last chance? Because this is it. This is our final soul-felt tap.”

Steve was moved yet naturally resistant. We debated for at least an hour as he threw out all of the old reasons it wouldn’t’ work. Yet nothing he said made any sense anymore. We are not the same two people we once were. — We have two homes, we have good jobs, we are healthy and in love.

“Let me think about it,” he said. That was good enough for me and gave me reason enough to start smiling again.

Here we are almost one year later and we are licensed in our home state. This took our having to fill out the packet of paperwork again, take more classes, and open our living space and personal lives so the home study could become complete.

Having to relive our pain of infertility has not been easy. It as taken a lot of courage and teamwork to retrace our steps again, yet we remain hopeful our next leg of the soul journey goes well.

Thank you God-Source for leading the way, because just like those foster children who all deserve a second chance, you are giving us our do-over again.

ete

Vortex of Light

I have been sitting with my emotions more and more. Doing so has allowed me to recognize that the strong feelings I had for those little souls went way beyond my current reality.

Call it what you will: de ja vu, parallel universe, past life. Either way, my soul felt connected to them in a way no words can possibly describe.

It’s like when you meet someone for the “first time” and just know you are kindred spirits connected beyond the limitation of space and time.

I cannot logically explain it, yet my seeing them again unlocked my soul and gave it permission to move.

Another dimension opened up for me. It happened during a recent walking meditation. A portal began pulling at me much like the suction of a vacuum. Once inside the space, I could tell from my feelings that all I was experiencing was genuine and true.

The landscape was not of this era, giving me the impression of a different place and time. And, I somehow just knew those two children were mine but not in this lifetime, rather in a completely different space-time reality. Each memory belonged to my soul.

Having this experience was a gift. It has allowed me to move on and to heal. And my heart no longer aches the way it did, because I know they are in good hands in their new home. They are loved, they are fed, they are safe.

Thank you kiddos for crossing paths with me again. I am now at peace with whatever outcome is meant to be.

Thank you God-Source

ete